There is an old but wise saying that says, "if you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got." We have heard this a million times, but have we taken the time to explain it to our kids?
I had the opportunity today to go through this statement with one of my children. This particular child was struggling with receiving correction for an issue that we seem to revisit again and again. "I know I can do better." "I know I can make wiser decisions." "I just need to spend more time with God." These were the statements that followed from our child. They were earnest, sincere and the only answers the child had.
I realized as my husband and I sat and discussed this, rather minor but reoccuring issue, with our child that, "the path to hell is paved with good intentions." (another useful saying) Then it hit me...THE PATH. I thought back to the "always do/always done" saying and realized, our child desires a new destination yet the same path is chosen day after day. It is critical that we teach our children to look ahead at the destination they desire and help them articulate where they want to go and where they are currently headed. Once they are clear about where they are aiming, they need to choose the path that will take them there. I need to add that this destination needs to be theirs...not ours. Clearly parents and children need to work together, but know that if a parent dictates the destination the child should strive for, it is likely the child will aim for the destination farthest from it.
Our child realized the internal struggle that was going on. There was a deep desire to reach a new destination, but the current path was comfortable, easy and safe. Now it was time for growth...time for maturing. I explained that there was no way to pick up a path and move it toward a new destination. Nor could we move a destination and put it at the end of a path. We needed to make the hard choices and move to the path that would take us where we need to go.
About Me
- blessed2Bmom
- I am wife to a wonderful Godly man and mom to three amazing children. I am aware daily that I am saved by grace and that everything good in my life is a precious gift from God.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Ignorant Bliss
Is there something to be said for the saying, "Ignorance is Bliss?" When I was growing up, my mom did not have to worry about "monitoring" me. She knew that if I acted outside of the accepted rules for "good children", some parent would find out and turn me in. There was a "code" among parents that seemed to insure that children were usually caught while attempting their mischief.
In this age of technology, children are faced with many passages to trouble and there are no other parents watching. Parents are forced to make a choice. They must take an active role in monitoring their children and communicating with them. We have seen, first hand, that this is not the norm. Parents hand over technology with limited, if any, restrictions and enjoy a life of "Ignorant Bliss".
Our oldest may complain about our parameters on his texting and computer, but something he said the other day affirmed all that we do. He was chatting with a friend and complaining about how he wished his parents didn't know so much and weren't so involved. The girl he was chatting with responded, "I wouldn't complain. I wish my parents were involved. My mom and dad let me do whatever. My mom is always busy and my dad just doesn’t care. I would trade with you anytime."
Remember, ignorance may be easier, but it is not better. It is work to monitor your kids and talk them through the hard stuff. But home is a safe place to fail and learn. They want you involved and they want to know you care.
In this age of technology, children are faced with many passages to trouble and there are no other parents watching. Parents are forced to make a choice. They must take an active role in monitoring their children and communicating with them. We have seen, first hand, that this is not the norm. Parents hand over technology with limited, if any, restrictions and enjoy a life of "Ignorant Bliss".
Our oldest may complain about our parameters on his texting and computer, but something he said the other day affirmed all that we do. He was chatting with a friend and complaining about how he wished his parents didn't know so much and weren't so involved. The girl he was chatting with responded, "I wouldn't complain. I wish my parents were involved. My mom and dad let me do whatever. My mom is always busy and my dad just doesn’t care. I would trade with you anytime."
Remember, ignorance may be easier, but it is not better. It is work to monitor your kids and talk them through the hard stuff. But home is a safe place to fail and learn. They want you involved and they want to know you care.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Can we really do that?
I was deeply concerned when a friend recalled a recent conversation she had been part of. A friend of hers was sharing how she was concerned that her disrespectful and disobedient child would become even worse in a few months when she received her drivers license. My friend asked, if her behavior was so bad, why was she getting her license. Her friend responded that at 16 kids get their license. My friend reminded her that she was the mom and she determined when the daugter was responsible enough to drive. Her friend said, "Can I do that?"
While I don't believe that the mom was truly asking if she was allowed to hold off on getting her child a license, it was obvious that she had strayed far from the idea of being in control of the freedoms her teenagers have. As parents, we must remember that our children answer to us and we answer to God. It is our responsibility to teach our children to live within boundaries and show respect. These are tools necessary to their future schooling, career, marriage, etc. When our children begin the transition between childhood and young adult life, parents need to begin to loosen the restraints and allow more choices and freedoms. This is done so that the youth has the opportunity to grow through succeeding and failing in a safe place. If the youth does well with the responsibilities and freedoms given, then more responsibilities and freedoms are added. If the youth does not do well, then the reigns are brought back in. This is not a "punishment", but an opportunity to teach.
Our children do not learn how to be adults on their own. It is by intentional parenting that we pass this wisdom down. Allowing them to fail at home, is a safe way for our youth to learn natural consequences. This also allows a time to teach into them in the areas they struggle. This is both our responsibility and our privilege. "Can we really do that?"...Yes...we HAVE to. Think about the consequences of not teaching through these issues while they are youths at home. Disrespect at home will become disrespect to a future employer and spouse. A lack of integrity at home will become a lack of integrity in marriage and at work. Would we rather have our child wait a few months to get a drivers license or lose a job or fail in a marriage. This is an over simplification, but it makes the point. Raising teenagers is hard work, but it is definitely worth it. We are investing in their future.
Please remember that we(the parents) are the ones in control. Our child is not an adult yet and the only way to grow into a successful one is if we spend the time and energy necessary to train him.
While I don't believe that the mom was truly asking if she was allowed to hold off on getting her child a license, it was obvious that she had strayed far from the idea of being in control of the freedoms her teenagers have. As parents, we must remember that our children answer to us and we answer to God. It is our responsibility to teach our children to live within boundaries and show respect. These are tools necessary to their future schooling, career, marriage, etc. When our children begin the transition between childhood and young adult life, parents need to begin to loosen the restraints and allow more choices and freedoms. This is done so that the youth has the opportunity to grow through succeeding and failing in a safe place. If the youth does well with the responsibilities and freedoms given, then more responsibilities and freedoms are added. If the youth does not do well, then the reigns are brought back in. This is not a "punishment", but an opportunity to teach.
Our children do not learn how to be adults on their own. It is by intentional parenting that we pass this wisdom down. Allowing them to fail at home, is a safe way for our youth to learn natural consequences. This also allows a time to teach into them in the areas they struggle. This is both our responsibility and our privilege. "Can we really do that?"...Yes...we HAVE to. Think about the consequences of not teaching through these issues while they are youths at home. Disrespect at home will become disrespect to a future employer and spouse. A lack of integrity at home will become a lack of integrity in marriage and at work. Would we rather have our child wait a few months to get a drivers license or lose a job or fail in a marriage. This is an over simplification, but it makes the point. Raising teenagers is hard work, but it is definitely worth it. We are investing in their future.
Please remember that we(the parents) are the ones in control. Our child is not an adult yet and the only way to grow into a successful one is if we spend the time and energy necessary to train him.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Do Hard Things:
We attended the Do Hard Things conference this weekend. What a reminder of what low expectations we have for our children. Why not set the bar higher than we think they can reach, then equip them to reach it? How is it that in just the last 60 years we have gone from a time when children were expected to spend their adolescence growing into mature adults, to a time where "teenagers" are given a 6 year pass to goof off? When we throw a huge party to welcome children into their "teenage" years, what are we celebrating? What have they achieved other than another year of growth? I am all for celebrating the 13th year...as a matter-of-fact, we celebrate this birthday in a big way. This is not because our children have accomplished waking up another 365 times. But instead, when they turn 12 we spend time with them, laying out what a Godly Man/Father and Woman/Mother looks like. We talk about what it takes to become this person and set a plan for accomplishing it. Then at 13, we celebrate a sense of accomplishment along with the spring board to the rest of their life. In essence, we set the bar high and help them reach for it.
We attended the Do Hard Things conference this weekend. What a reminder of what low expectations we have for our children. Why not set the bar higher than we think they can reach, then equip them to reach it? How is it that in just the last 60 years we have gone from a time when children were expected to spend their adolescence growing into mature adults, to a time where "teenagers" are given a 6 year pass to goof off? When we throw a huge party to welcome children into their "teenage" years, what are we celebrating? What have they achieved other than another year of growth? I am all for celebrating the 13th year...as a matter-of-fact, we celebrate this birthday in a big way. This is not because our children have accomplished waking up another 365 times. But instead, when they turn 12 we spend time with them, laying out what a Godly Man/Father and Woman/Mother looks like. We talk about what it takes to become this person and set a plan for accomplishing it. Then at 13, we celebrate a sense of accomplishment along with the spring board to the rest of their life. In essence, we set the bar high and help them reach for it.
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